So, this is something I have wanted to write about for a
while now, but I wasn’t sure how to organize my thoughts in a way that would
make sense. When thinking back on my
life leading up to the arrival of my baby boy, I realize a lot has changed in a
number of ways, but specifically when it comes to friendship. I think I thought that life would stay the
same after my sweet boy arrived. In some
ways, it has. When it comes to friends,
that’s a whole different story.
First I will start by saying I love my husband dearly and he
is my best friend. He is my greatest
supporter and my biggest fan. That being
said, he is still a man and there are times when having female best friends are
necessary. I remember days spent with my
girlfriends talking about anything and everything under the sun. I remember trying to talk each other through
issues that were so important to us at the time. Crying on each other’s
shoulders and leaning on each other for support during trying times. I remember
time spent soaking up the rays on the beach, working out, shopping, gossiping,
and living in the moment together. I
remember the memories we made and treasure every one of them.
I never remember reading anything in all of the books,
websites, and magazines I read before my little guy arrived about friendships
after baby. I never remember thinking to myself, “all of this may change”. I never remember being worried that they may
not be there one day, or that I would be facing some of the most challenging
times of my life without my girlfriends by my side. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball (in
the form of the most amazing little human) and everything you were so confident
in is no longer there. It is a reality
that I am sure others have faced/are facing after the birth of their baby, and
it is one I want you to know you are not facing alone. This is the stuff you don’t read in any
magazine or book about having a baby.
This is the stuff people don’t mention to you when you are 9 months
pregnant and preparing for life after the arrival of your little one. This is the stuff that can happen, though,
and it would be nice if we could mentally prepare for it.
Here are the five
things I wish I knew about friendship after having a baby.
1: Friends you
thought you were “best friends” may not be part of your life anymore
Many friendships change after the arrival of a baby. Your
priorities have probably changed, as well as your daily routine, your sleep
schedule, and your energy levels. What you and your best friend(s) may have had
in common before has probably changed in some way. The “happy hour” dates spent discussing life,
love, work, etc. over delicious drinks at your favorite hangout may not be as
easy to schedule. The Saturday morning
brunches become more difficult when one of you is toting a sleeping infant that
may or may not wake up midway through that omelet. The 1 am phone call from
your best friend after her date on a Friday night might go unanswered because
you have been awake for three days straight with a colicky baby and just
finally managed to fall asleep. This is
the reality of life after baby. Some friends may understand and try to work
with you through this time of adjustment.
Some may pull away right then and there.
Others still may try initially, only to pull back a few days, weeks, or
months later. Ultimately, even if both
of you have tried as hard as you could to hold on to the friendship, you may
begin to drift apart anyway since your lives are so dramatically different now.
2: No matter how hard
you try, you can’t force friendship upon someone
One thing I did want to mention is effort. It is important for a new mom to make an
effort with her friends too. It doesn’t
have to be anything more than a quick text, or an answered phone call once in a
while, but there has to be something. It
is unfair to expect any friend to continue to be the only one putting in effort
after the first month with a new little one.
Yes motherhood is a huge change and it is exhausting, but a little
effort will go a long way. That being
said, no matter how quick you are to respond to a text, no matter how many
times you tell someone they are welcome to stop by to visit your new bundle of
joy, no matter how long you listen to what is troubling them and try to make it
better, it might not be good enough. We
all have the friends that like to have your undivided attention or else they
feel like you are not listening to them or taking them seriously enough. Newflash: this is real hard to do with a baby
that needs to eat every 2 seconds or cries just to hear the noise it
makes. If you are trying your hardest to
be a good friend and it is still not good enough for someone, know that
sometimes there is only so much you can do.
A stressed out mama isn’t a healthy mama and when said mama is running
on little sleep, a granola bar, and 6 gallons of water a day, sometimes she
needs to draw the line. When a
friendship is taking more out of you than your newborn baby, it is time to
reconsider the friendship.
3: Sometimes it will
feel lonely
You are surrounded by your new little love bug,
husband/significant other, and fur babies relaxing after a really hard day of
being a mom and you see a friend tagged out on facebook. You have every reason in the world to be high
on life because of all of the love surrounding you at that very moment, however
you may feel a pang of jealousy? Hurt? Loneliness? Chalk it up to new mommy
hormones (which could very well be intensifying the feelings), but you are
feeling lonely without the friendship you used to share. This is totally normal. Hormones after giving birth are wild and
crazy. They make you over the moon happy
one moment and down in the dumps the very next.
It is important to realize that friendships are like relationships and
it will take time to get over the loss of a real good friend. They were such an important part of your life
for such a long time that it is only natural to feel sad. When you are feeling sad, remember the
reasons why the friendship ended or changed in the first place. Sure it might feel a little lonely for a
little while, but just think of your newest best friend you just gave birth to!
Life is good mama!
4: You will make new
friends during this new phase of your life
Sometimes some of the greatest blessings when you have a
child are the new mama friends that step in to take the place of broken or
changed friendships. I remember reading a quote once about friendship. Though I can’t recall the exact quote or who
wrote it, it basically stated: you are given the friends you need for each
stage of your life. I am a firm believer
in this concept. I know that my high
school and college girlfriends were in my life for a reason and the ones that
are no longer, are no longer for a reason.
My friends from my early to mid-twenties came into my life for a reason
and the ones that left, left for a reason.
I know that the mommies I am friends with now, are here for a
reason. We are learning from each other,
growing with each other, and going through the same experiences at the same point
in our lives. I get them, they get
me. It is a beautiful and wonderful
thing to realize there are other women out there who are feeling the same as
you and who know exactly what you are going through. It makes the transition into motherhood that
much smoother and more enjoyable.
Most important to remember is that a true friend will stick
by you no matter what. Just because there is a new little one in your life,
that doesn’t mean that all of your friendships will change or end. There are the few true that will remain by
your side through it all and your friendship may remain or become stronger than
ever. Though your friendship may look
different for a while, though it may take a bit to get used to your new
lifestyle, there are friends that can and will stick it out with you. This doesn’t mean that your friendship will
be the same as it always was (no more late nights on the reg for this mama),
however you will still be able to count on your friend and they will still be
able to count on you. This is the mark
of a truly remarkable and lasting friendship. Cherish it!
You are not alone in this world, new mama. There are many people who love, respect, and
admire you. It is important to
remember. We all need to hear it
sometimes!
XO
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